The Big Angry Green Cookie Monster
by Lou-deadfroggy
Summary: When Tony annoys Bruce just one time too many Clint steps in to calm the Hulk down... A stand alone in the Barton and Banner universe, collaboration between Strawberrywaltz and Lou-deadfroggy.


**The Big Angry Green Cookie Monster**

**Hi guys, this is a standalone in the Barton and Banner universe as a collaboration between myself and Strawberrywaltz (there's more stories on both our profiles). We've both got massive plot bunnies and there's loads more in progress but if any of you lovely people would be interested in beta-reading our stuff (because we're lazy and bad at grammar and stuff) please come and save us. **

… …

Bruce snapped around, one hand pushing the object pointing at his ribs away. A deep growl began in his throat, panic swelling up inside him. He stared at Tony's shocked face for a second, the sharp pencil snapped in his hand. His breathing quickened, hyperventilation only seconds away. Adrenaline began to rush through him and he lurched instinctively towards the door.

Getting out was the only thing on the still rational part of his mind, getting away from Tony. Bruce practically threw himself down the corridor before his vision went green.

Tony grinned when he finally made Bruce snap, the smile frozen on his face when the low growl came.

"Whoa, okay big guy, you want to calm down now?"

He had been teasing Bruce all day, winding him up and testing the man's almost saintly patience. The poking had started not that long before, Tony kept at the man for longer than normal, determined to get some sort of response. Bruce Hulking out was not what he had expected but truthfully had been what he secretly wanted. Until he heard the green monster go through a wall.

… …

Clint was stressed, the Council was riding his back about several things, those people had never really liked him. Right now they were threatening to send him on a rather dark black ops mission that he really didn't want to touch. Not when things were going pretty good for him with the Avengers. It was a huge surprise, but the sniper liked working with the team, he liked his teammates. He didn't want to die off alone somewhere in the hands of the enemy.

Cooking helped relax the sniper, so he focused his energy on that. Although, there was no one to cook for and it was an odd time for a big meal, so Clint decided baking would suffice. He was half way through his second batch of chocolate chip cookies when the tower shook violently.

Calmly Clint continued to mix his bowl of cookie dough as he glanced slightly upwards. "Jarvis." His voice was even. "What was that?"

"It appears that Mr. Stark has angered Dr. Banner." Jarvis answered after a pause. "I don't want to over step my bounds, Agent Barton, but the Hulk is tearing up the labs..."

With a sigh Clint nodded and set his bowl down. He paused for a moment and grabbed a plastic bowl, dumping his cookies inside before headed down towards the labs.

A roar echoed through the halls and Clint winced, wondering silently if he should go get his bow. Before he could retreat Hulk crashed through the wall in front of him, slamming into the opposite side of the hall.

"Hulk!" Clint called out, holding out his hands in a calming motion. He wasn't sure where Tony was, or if it was wise to try and talk the green guy down at the moment, but Bruce was already going to feel bad about the damage, though it was all probably Tony's fault.

… …

Hulk stopped his full speed charge at the wall, turning to face the new voice. He saw Clint standing in the corridor. Hulk wondered if Clint would have something good to smash. With a second glance at the wall, promising to make a large hold in it later, the green beast lumbered over to Clint. He roared loudly to show how annoyed he was, especially at that pointy thing. Banner hadn't liked the pointy thing, or Tony's talk-noises. So Banner had let him out, with a struggle as always but now he was out Hulk wanted to show that he didn't like the talk noises. He wasn't going to make talk noises to Clint, even if the man wanted him to.

Hulk roared again, blowing the air over Clint so that his clothes shook slightly. He ignored the frightened people running to the back of the corridor. They made quiet talk noises and one screamed when he roared. He didn't look at them to check if they were good people to smash or not, he had smelled something else. Something that wasn't a person, or hot air from fire or rain and trees. He frowned, reaching for the source of the smell. He pointed at the white round thing in Clint's hand, wanting to know what it was and whether smashing it would make the nice smell stay.

… …

Clint didn't flinch when the Hulk roared rather intimidatingly in his face, but he did close his eyes, not wanting them to get dried out from the sudden gust of...wind. The archer caught sight of Tony sneaking out of the crumbled wall and gave him a pointed look. Conveying only with his eyes the words 'you idiot' as the man slowly backed down the hallway, probably to go get his suit.

With a minute shake of his head Clint focused his attention back on Hulk who was growling again. He smiled brightly when the Hulk pointed at the container of cookies in his hand. Bravely he sat down, hoping that Hulk would repeat the action and pulled out a cookie and bit into it. It was too show that the cookie wasn't something that would hurt the Hulk.

With a tip of his head Clint wondered if the Hulk had ever eaten something, or if food was strictly Bruce's thing. "Here, try one." The archer encouraged, holding up a cookie to the beast. Clint hoped, somewhere back in the small rational spot in his mind that the big guy wouldn't bite off his hand. He needed his hand to use his bow.

… …

Hulk sat down heavily, causing the floor to groan under his weight. When Clint put the nice smelling thing into his mouth, Hulk let out a whine of annoyance. He wanted to smell the thing, not for it to disappear.

Why Clint put it in his mouth, Hulk didn't know. He had lots of Banner's memories about putting things in his mouth, most of them he chewed and bit like he was tearing off something stuck on like an arm. Banner liked a lot of the things he put in his mouth and chewed; some of them made him weak and hurt all over though. Hulk decided that if it was good for Clint to put in his mouth, then it would be good for Banner too.

He reached out and took the tiny nice smelling thing, growling when it crumbled to nothing in his hand. He hadn't meant to smash it but it was so tiny. He began to snarl at it, angry that it would be so weak as to crumble when all he wanted to do was put it in his mouth.

… …

Clint tensed slightly when the ground groaned under the Hulk's weight. It would sort of suck to fall through the floor. He knew this because it wouldn't be the first time he was in or on a building that decided to crumble.

Clint resisted laughing when the Big Guy accidentally crushed the cookie between his fingers. Hulk looked angry, which was the opposite of what Clint was aiming for, and Hawkeye never missed. "It's okay." Clint held up his hands in a calming gesture and pulled another cookie out of the container. "Try this one. Gently." He coaxed the green giant, holding the treat out to the Hulk.

He grinned slightly, wondering how exactly he would explain this little situation to Bruce later.

… …

Hulk took the second thing, more carefully this time like he was holding Clint or Betty's head. Some of it fell away but most ended up in his mouth. He looked at Clint suspiciously for a moment then chewed. There wasn't much to chew but Hulk grinned when he tasted it. It was like having the smell in his mouth but better. He gulped down, licking the bits from his teeth.

Hulk wasn't altogether stupid. He reached down and patted the white bowl the nice smelling things had come from.

"More," he demanded, pawing at the container. He liked these things; Clint was going up on his list of things it was best not to smash by giving him the things. Still, giving him more would help.

… …

Clint laughed lightly and gladly handed the container over. "I've got a fan." He commented lightly watching Hulk munch on the cookies happily. Hopefully happy enough that he would turn back into Banner before Tony came back and ruined the moment.

Once the big guy finished off the container Clint winced, having hoped that Banner would have reappeared by then. "Do you want more cookies?" Clint asked, trying to stay on Hulk's good side, but it would require patience from the green giant. Patience enough for them both to walk up stairs and Hulk to sit and wait for another batch to bake.

… …

Hulk nodded eagerly. More, that sounded good because that puny container was not nearly enough.

"More," he repeated. "What?" He pointed at the crumbs on the floor.

Vaguely he knew Banner had memories of them, making a small box heat up and make nice smells with Mom. Hulk smiled to himself, he liked that memory, even if it was only Banner's puny thoughts that made it.

… …

"Cookies." Clint told Hulk happily then stood, motioning for Hulk to follow him.

They moved awkwardly up to the level above them and Clint winced a bit when Hulk knocked some of the furniture around, aggravated with the small space. "Just wait right there, big guy." Clint held out his hands then moved back over to the oven. He had some cookie dough already ready to be put into the oven and he'd never turned the oven off so it shouldn't take too long.

Knowing that Hulk wouldn't want to wait around for the cookies to finish baking Clint brought the bowl of cookie dough over to the Hulk. "Okay, big guy, this stuff is heaven." he explained taking a finger full for himself and popping the dough into his mouth before handing the plastic bowl over to the hulk. "Enjoy."

… …

"Coki," Hulk repeated, following Clint like an oversized puppy. He cracked a kitchen tile as he sat down again, greedily taking the proffered container. He held a piece up, looking at it. When it didn't crumble in his hands he grinned. The dough didn't last long, he was soon scraping his tongue along the sides of the bowl to get every last crumb. It wasn't hot and smelly like the other ones but it tasted good. Like smashing but in his mouth. That was it, it tasted like the good feeling when he smashed something well.

"More," he said again, moving towards the hot box that was making the nice smell.

"Hulk want more coki." He reached a finger forward, determined to get at the cookies the other side of the glass door.

… …

Worried Hulk was going to hurt himself Clint stepped in front of the creature and gave him a scolding look, feeling like the big guys parental figure suddenly. "Careful big guy," He told the green giant. "It's hot, I don't want you to get hurt." he explained. "I'll mix you up some more cookie dough, just sit back down and wait like a good little Hulk." The archer pointed over to where the Hulk had been sitting moments before.

Once Clint was sure Hulk wasn't going to touch the oven again he moved over to the bowls and started to make more cookie dough as quickly as possible.

… …

Hulk sat down, his whole mind focused on trying to work out what Clint had just said.

He wasn't little. He was bigger and stronger than Clint. Hulk was sure he was good though, he was good at smashing things and good at remembering things like Nat's name even if he couldn't say it.

"Good little Hulk," he muttered to himself. It sounded nice, not scary but nice. It sounded like something Banner would say.

"More?" he asked finally, the smell of the cookies reaching him again. Please wasn't part of his vocabulary. He just wanted more cookies. Maybe, he thought if he was good and smaller, Clint would give him more cookies. Hulk did his best to be as small as possible, keeping his limbs bunched up into a ball. They began to hurt after a while so he gave up, hoping it would be enough.

… …

Clint watched Hulk try to become 'little' and nearly broke down in a fit of 'awes' that would put the time Tony was handed a baby to shame. Hulk could be absolutely adorable when he wasn't smashing things. Like a big kid that was tantrum prone. "Good job, big guy," the archer praised, handing Hulk the second bowl of cookie dough, knowing that it would buy him the time he needed to wait for the cookies to be done.

The oven beeped and Clint turned, grabbing a towel as he opened the oven. The heat hit his face and licked at his skin as he reached into the hot oven and pulled out the tray of cookies. With his free hand he closed the oven and turned around to face Hulk, tray of cookies in hand.

… …

The cookie dough was gone in an instant; Hull very nearly ate the bowl too. The nice smell filled the room when Clint opened the hot box and Hulk growled appreciatively. However, when he reached out for the tray, his stomach gurgled unpleasantly.

Hulk let out a colossal burp, rubbing his stomach and frowning. He wasn't used to things hurting when no one had fired things at him. He suddenly didn't like the cokies, they made his stomach hurt. He growled to let Clint know that he didn't want any more hurt making cokies. Still, the smelt so good he almost reached out for them.

… …

Clint looked at the Hulk and frowned a bit, he had hoped to make Hulk happy enough that he'd shrink down into Bruce, not make him sick to his stomach. "Uh, sorry about that big guy, I didn't think you'd get sick from all that sugar." Clint apologized, piling the new batch of cookies onto a plate before moving over to the Hulk's side and patting his shoulder. "Maybe you should lie down?"

… …

Hulk crashed to the floor, laying his head on his massive arms at Clint's feet. He still wanted the cokies, but he was a bit too tired to think about eating them. Instead he searched around for the right word to get Clint to talk for longer.

"Story," he demanded.

… …

Clint's jaw dropped. Was the big bad green monster seriously asking him for a bedtime story? A smile lit the archer's lips as he sat down next to Hulk's head and patted the big guy on the head gently. "Okay, big guy. I'll tell you a story." He agreed, unsure of where to go with this. He didn't know many children's stories, or rather, any stories that didn't involve infiltrating or shooting things. Hulk probably didn't want to go to sleep hearing about that.

"Okay, so, when I was at the circus a friend of mines mom told me a story one night when I was sick. I'll tell you it." The archer offered thoughtfully, hoping he could remember it right. "Once upon a time, in a land of sand and sun there was a kingdom ruled by a very angry man. He was angry because his own brother and the woman he had been married to had betrayed him. After such a stabbing betrayal the king felt as though he could never love or trust anyone ever again."

The archer paused for a moment then continued his tale. "In order to continue being a king he needed a queen. So every day he would marry a beautiful woman, but in the morning he would have her killed. This continued for a year." Clint paused again, trying to remember the tale as accurately as possible. "There was a girl; she came from a small village, very poor. She was beautiful and had a talent inherited from her own mother. She was a storyteller. One day soldiers came to her village and took her away to be married to the king. But the girl had a plan. After the King and her were married she began to tell him a wonderful story. She talked all through the night weaving an incredible tale of adventure."

"When the morning came the story was not completed and the King decided to spare her life for one more day, so he could hear the rest of the story. This continued night after night. The story teller continued to weave an enchanting tale that entranced the king, saving her own life." The archer paused again, checking to see if Hulk was still listening. "One night the story teller became sick, unable to tell her stories. The King did something that no one thought he would do, he spared her life and took care of her until she was well. Their respect for each other grew as time stretched on and eventually respect turned into trust and trust into love." Clint smiled, happy that he was able to recall the tale. "And they lived happily ever after."

… …

Hulk smiled, not quite understanding the story but that everyone was happy and that was good. He felt like sleeping once Clint had finished, his eyes shut themselves before the story was even over.

"Clint, what the hell is going on?" Bruce asked groggily, pushing himself up. He found himself lying on the kitchen floor at Clint's feet, covered in what appeared to be crumbs. He also had stomach ache, something he wasn't used to after waking up. Bits of metal or concrete in his mouth, certainly, not food.

"You gave the other guy cookies?" He eyed the plate nearby suspiciously. It explained his stomach ache. It didn't explain why he had heard what sounded like the end of a fairy tale.

Tony scurried from the doorway having taken a picture of Hulk curled up next to Clint. He wasn't sure if it was going to be used as blackmail or just to keep Bruce from his angst tendencies. Either way, the green beast eating cookies wasn't something he'd let Banner forget.

… …

Clint leaned back on his heels and eyed Bruce as the man became aware of his surroundings. "Well, apparently Tony pissed you off, and I came to the rescue and distracted the big guy." The archer grinned when Bruce mentioned the cookies. "Yeah, Hulk apparently has quite the sweet tooth. Ate up all my cookies and two batches of cookie dough, you're probably not going to be feeling very well." Clint winced in sympathy. "But I couldn't exactly tell the big guy to stop. Besides, he was sort of adorable."

… …

Bruce stared flatly at Clint for a second then groaned.

"Understatement. Did I hurt anyone before you appeared with cookies?" His default question came back as he saw the busted door frame. He also wasn't in the labs where he had started so naturally a few walls would be damaged. He felt as sick as he had on Christmas day after eating too much of everything aged nine.

"Adorable? We are talking about the other guy here, right?" That wasn't something people used to describe the Hulk. Terrifying, dangerous, horrible, angry yes; adorable, no.

… …

"Trust me, it was adorable. He asked me for a bedtime story and fell asleep." Clint told Bruce as he stood, holding out a hand to help his friend to his feet. "Also, I think Tony got a picture. The man thinks he's stealth, but I'm an assassin, so."

… …

Bruce stood up, looking around for something to cover himself with. He was glad the kitchen was warm although the smells of cooking were making him feel even worse.

"Great, I don't even want to know how he's planning to use that on me. Although I doubt feeding the animals cookies is considered very cool, even in SHIELD circles."

… …

"Animals? The Hulk isn't an animal, although you'd be surprise how cute his puppy dog eyes are." Clint sighed, wishing Bruce wouldn't talk about the 'other guy' like that. With a shake of his head he moved to the living area and tossed Bruce a blanket. "Come on Bruce, he didn't hurt anyone. He was just mad Tony was poking him with sharp things. Hell, I'd be mad too."

… …

Bruce sighed, wrapping the blanket around himself. He wasn't going to argue with Clint, not again.

"I hope Tony's happy. He finally got the reaction he wanted. He's lucky, you all keep getting too lucky you think it's going to last." He could see in Clint's face he wasn't going to win the fight. "Fine. I'm going to get dressed."

He stopped when he reached the door, realizing that he was being a little harsh.

"Clint? Thanks for keeping him away from too many breakable things. It's stupid but brave of you."

… …

Clint snickered at Bruce's comment, wondering how Tony did feel about what had transpired. With a shake of his head he saluted Bruce as he headed down the hallway. "I am always happy to be stupid and brave for you." He joked, turning back to clean up the kitchen.


End file.
